Saturday, May 14, 2011

If mom and kid commercials told the truth

We've all seen them. Those hideous, deceptive, sugary-sweet commercials where mothers are portrayed. Little Timmy makes a godawful mess? Smile and hand him a roll of ultra-obsorbent paper towels. The paper towels's absorbency should totally make up for the ant infestation that will result from Timmy doing a shitty job of cleaning up the mess. Sweet little Susie coughs and hacks all over her sister? Hand her a tissue and some disinfectant. Who knows? Maybe having the ebola virus is fun!

The reactions of these "mothers" is complete fucking bullshit. Unless those bitches are high, there is no way they would react the way they do. Any sane mother would throw a roll of paper towels at motor skill deficient Timmy and tell him to clean up the mess until he can see his face in the linoleum. Or until he starts college. Whichever. And if Layla hacked all over some other kid, first I'd make sure the kid wasn't a little asshole, and then if he wasn't, I'd tell her to stop being a disgusting pig, and pour cough syrup down her throat. Because that's what loving mothers do.

So, here is my version of how a REAL mother would react in these situations:

Made a godawful mess

Mom's reaction

Being a disgusting pig and coughing all over your sister

Mom's reaction

Now I have to go spill something all over the kitchen floor and make Layla clean it up, and then cough in her face. Have a good afternoon, folks.

And no, I wouldn't actually hit my kid in the face with a hammer. Unless she really deserved it, and then I might consider it. :p

**ETA:  If you have a commercial that just irritates the holy fuck out of you, and you'd like an illustration of the REAL version of that commercial, send me an email at sugarandspicemyass @ gmail . com (without the spaces, of course), with a link to a video of that commercial, and a description of what you'd like portrayed in the illustration. Or you can just leave it up to my creative genius.  Whichever you prefer.


  1. Someone following you is also following my blog. When I went to check out your blog, I found it is banned in the UAE. I had to go around the censors to view it. Hope that bit of information brightened your day. It's a fun read for any parent.

  2. Aaron: Really? Banned? That's the United Arab Emirates, right? Hahahahaha. That IS awesome. Thank you for informing me, and the awesome comment. :D

  3. THATS GREAT!!! How do you find out if it's banned? I wanna see what else is banned lol kudos girl!

  4. LMFAO! My favourite pic, the girl coughing over her little sister, looks like she's trying to cough up a lung.

  5. I feel like a tire iron is a better choice than a hammer. They're generally heavier and much better and making your offspring cough into their godforsaken elbows.

  6. P.s. Have you ever been so grumpy that you've gotten on to your kids for coughing? I'm pretty sure I made my son go to his room last week because the sound of his phlegm was ruining American Idol for me.

  7. lily: Not a lung, just the plague infesting her disgusting soul. Um. Yeah. lol

    Mary: lmao Yes, I've yelled at Layla for some stupid shit when I've been in a bad movie. "Stop laughing so loud!" "You're being quiet, stop that!" To be fair, usually if she's quiet, it means she's probably doing something I won't like. And sometimes her laughter includes high-pitched shrieking. I feel like I've met a kindred soul, haha.

  8. *blink* When I've been in a bad MOVIE? Sadly, my acting career never took off. *snort* MOOD, damn it. I slept less than 3 hours last night. Don't judge me.

  9. Oh. My. God. I nearly peed.
    I read this entire post out loud to my (currently cooking) Boyfriend, and I even described all of the pictures. This is how much I loved this post.
    And I have thought on MULTIPLE occassions about the BS commercials. Have you seen the one where the little boy shoots his mother with a water gun in the middle of the kitchen? She then playfully pulls out the extenda-sprayer from the faucet and sprays him back.


    Get bent. If my kid ever walked INTO the house and sprayed me FULLY CLOTHED with a water gun, I would beat them with it.

    Spray them back...pssh...

    PS! I'm glad that everything is back to normal with your settings. Sometimes Blogger can be less than user friendly...

  10. Since I replied to this via email, I'll just say this: You're awesome and I'm glad you liked the post so much. I LOVE it when people really like what I write, and relate to it. I shall send you an email too, to ask you something. Damn blogger doesn't have a direct reply option. *grumble*


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