Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Take 2

Hello. First post after renovation. If you're in any doubt about what this blog is now about, I shall clarify for you. This blog is about motherhood. REAL motherhood. Not the kind you see in paper towel commercials, where little Timmy makes a hideous mess, and the mom smiles indulgently about it, as if she's saying "Oh, you little TYKE. Now you clean that mess up. Hehe." *shoots her in the face*

Real motherhood is not blissful. And if that kid in the commercials were my kid, I'd be yelling and throwing paper towels at him until he cried. Real motherhood will make you feel like you're going fucking insane. And then your little cherub will turn around and do something sweet. And then you turn around again and there are M&Ms in the VCR, and there's shit in the hallway, and there's a brand new crayon mural in the kid's room, and there's toys strewn all over the house, and the phone is ringing, and someone's at the door, and your kid is currently trying to bathe in the toilet. And then the day ends, and you start all over again the next day.

Real motherhood will make you cry, scream, pull your hair out, and wish your child had a mute button.

I'm not one of those moms that acts like their kid was shat out of god's ass, and is the perfect little angel. Nor am I one of those mothers who feels "fulfilled" and "rewarded" by being a stay-at-home mom. I'm real. I fully admit my kid is a pain in the fucking ass. And being a stay-at-home mom is slowly sucking out my soul. So, if your another June Cleaver, you should probably leave. This blog isn't for you.

And now, to introduce you to the little princess.

This is Layla. She may look cute and sweet and innocent, but it's just a clever disguise to lull you into a false sense of security before she punches you in the eye, and runs your foot over with her bike.

Now, just to be clear, I love my daughter more than anything, but some days I want to loan her out to some unhappy, barren couple, so they won't feel so bad about not having kids. She'll cure you of that unhappiness in less than five minutes.

So I'll be bitching, ranting, sharing advice, drawing stupid pictures, and other stuff. And that's all I've got for now.


  1. Funny funny funny!I'm glad I'm not the only mum that feels like giving her much loved child a drop kick to the head...Ah, the thought of it does bring a smile to my face.
    Keep keeping it real!

  2. Lily: lol You're definitely not the only one. I feel like that on a daily basis. Hell, I feel like that just about every HOUR. :D

  3. Why weren't there book letting us know that this is the reality of child and parenting...I love your blog..on a different not I love the vampire chronicles by Ann Rice!

  4. PeppersEdge: No need to censor yourself on THIS blog. You can say fuck as much as you want to. :D And I...fucking love you too.

    adee4: Probably because no one would have kids then, lol. And the Vamp Chronicles are DEFINITELY her best books.

  5. Amazing! I read your posts backwards (I'm not sure why...) but I ended up here and thought I'd comment.

    I came here through Da CheeseBlarg and have decided to stay.

    Bravo on realism. Somedays I want to leave my children at a store somewhere...

  6. dys.function.tion: Thank you! I have to admit, I AM pretty awesome. :D

    Da Cheeseblarg is also awesome, and Jodee's one of my closest friends and supporters. I'm glad you're staying. :)

    With a sign saying "Free to a good home"? hahaha

  7. It's nice to see that someone in this world is a REAL PERSON and not completely enamored w/their children and wanting more and more and more.

    I've recently been surrounded by Mormons (not by choice) and I'm so sick of children and babies and "oooooh omg she's so CUuuuuuute" that I want to scream. Seems like your experiences will be closer to what I experience if I ever have a kid.


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