Saturday, April 23, 2011

My child is a kleptomaniac

In our house, if anything goes missing, you can be pretty sure Layla took it. Now, there are times when she's completely innocent, and the alleged item has just fell in between the couch cushions, or been carried off by a pack of hungry antelope. But for the most part, it's all Layla's fault.

Her most favorite things to do in all the world is to play with random household shit. She has TONS of toys. She has a lifesize Rapunzel doll. She has big legos, she has barbies, hot wheels, elmo, coloring books, and the list goes on. But instead of playing with her plethora of wonderous toys, she instead plays with old TV remotes, or bread ties, or empty pill bottles. It astounds me, but I never expected her to be normal.

For example, here is what she packed into her bag:

I can only assume that these items hold SOME importance for her. I mean, who wouldn't want to carry around a bunch of shredded cigarettes, and a straw? (Yes, I smoke. Bite me.)

So, when a crucial item goes missing, say...a Netflix DVD, or a tube of medicine, or a very important paper, or half the fucking house, my first thought is "Check Layla's room."

This is how the scenario plays out:

Awwww. Look at that innocent face. She couldn't POSSIBLY have stolen my shit! Yeah right. She'll steal your shit, spit on you, slap you, and tell you to fuck off. That's my girl!

After this Academy Award winning performance, I commence a search of her room.

After standing on my head, and baring my ass, I usually find the stolen item in the most unlikely place ever. Like in an oven mitt, filled with bread ties, being kept fresh in her toy refrigerator. Or in her underwear drawer along with a ball of string and a clothes pin.

We even had a block of CHEESE go missing once. I assumed that my fiance ate it. He assumed I ate it. But when it became clear that neither of us had consumed a cheese product, our gaze turned to Layla. Instead of denying that she took the alleged cheese, like usual, she led us into her room, pulled open the freezer part of her fake refrigerator, and presented us with the missing block of cheese. Ah. Well, at least she was keeping it fresh. Hell, it may even still be in there, reproducing little cheese minions that will eventually try to eat my daughter in her sleep. Good luck, cheese minions. She's a tricky one.


  1. I read this post to my entire family-- we thoroughly enjoyed it! My 10 year old suggests putting that life saving medicine somewhere up high. :)

  2. lol Just wrote a post about something similar, though in my case it's the fault of a poltergiest, according to the little man.
    Heaven forbid those two should meet up at some point in their life-times, It would be like 'Pinky and the Brain', both of them trying to take over the world.

  3. skin_art_junkie said...
    Carrie: Yeah, I usually do. Hell, our whole stock of pantry items is on one, high shelf. And the top of the refrigerator is running out of room, lol. The last thing she stole from me was a tube of Lidocaine gel. It's a numbing gel for...stuff.

    Lily: Haha, I'm sure she'll start blaming it on something else when she's older. "It's the ghost that lives in my closet, mom. I swear!" *snort*

  4. Hilarious!

    My two-year-old packs her own bag of toys when we go out, and it's always the most random assortment of crap she can muster. I have no idea why...maybe she's trying to emulate my purse...

  5. dysfunction: Oh lord, I usually don't let Layla pack her own bag. The above she just did for the hell of it. I should let her pack her own bag next time, and see what randomness she packs. Probably back a ball of string and a toothpick, lol.

  6. So, what you're saying is your child MAY be MacGuyver?

  7. JoD: Hmmmmm. Good point. We'll have to hide the fishing line and duct tape, or she may hatch an evil plot and realize we're pretty much obsolete. *snort*

  8. Haha wow just had a good read. Sounds like yr li monkey came frm the same tree as my 5 year old boy lol. I have to check his bag every morning befor school,1 day it had chocolate topping a lil can of crc and my 14 year olds after shave,the other day it had my mums new purfume and lotions she got for xmas was wondering then if mabe was his way of screaming "IM GAY" lmao. Every time omthing is missing we go straight to him like when my 14 year olds uniform vanished into thin air and can never leave goodies around cause he willnwake befor us all and go for a quick munch then jump back into bed. He worst part thonis having to check his pokets befor leaving friends,shops,school or anywhere we go. What to do about it? Have tryed so many different things but nothing fazes him at all,

  9. This is nothing to joke about My daughter did that when she was younger and in her late 20's she spent time in jail for stealing felonies. Can't find a good job now even with medical experince..


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