Wednesday, April 27, 2011

This is why I have anger management issues

There is an aggravating, rage-inducing trend beginning in my house. Granted, this trend started as soon as she could talk, but it's steadily gotten worse. It's so bad now, that I have actually contemplated hitting her repeatedly with a blunt object. What is this trend?

The "I want that, no I don't want that" trend. This is how it goes: Layla says she wants something, say...cereal. Then when I make it for her, she suddenly, and very firmly does not want it anymore.

Layla: "I want to eat!"

Me: " Awesome. What do you want to eat?"

Layla: "I don't want to eat!"

Me: "Ok then."

Layla: "I'm huunnngggrrryyy!"

Me: "Alright! What would you like?"

Layla: "I want chocolate cereal!"

Me: *takes chocolate cereal out of cabinet*

Layla: "Noooooooooo, I don't waaaannntttt thhaaaattttt!"

Me: "You said you did! OMG! So, what DO you want?"

Layla: "I want chocolate ceeerreeaaallll"

Me: *bangs head against cabinet repeatedly* *pours cereal*

Layla: "Noooooooooooo!" *whines and screams like I'm setting her on fire. Which isn't a BAD idea*

Me: "You're going to eat it, or I'm going to take all your teddy bears and build a bonfire with them!"

Layla: *wwwhiinnnneeesssss some more*

Me: *violently pours milk into cereal, slams it down on table and throws Layla in chair* Eat! For the love of jlksjdf*&%#( JESUS, eat!"

Layla: *pushes cereal away* "I don't WANNA EAT!"

Me: "You'll eat that cereal, or I'll dump it over your head and throw the bowl at you repeatedly! EAATTTT! NOOWWWWW!!!!"

Layla: *grumbles, throws me murderous glares, eats the fucking cereal*

Me: *overdoses on nerve pills*

So. Yeah. I think she finds some sadistic pleasure in doing this to me. And everyone else in the house. There have been times when she's actually had a horrible, violent temper tantrum because I MADE HER WHAT SHE FUCKING WANTED. Why?! She is the only child I know (so far) that actually has a tantrum when she gets what she wants.

It sort of happens likes this:

This trend will, inevitably, lead to me drooling and throwing myself against a wall repeatedly. All while screaming "But she WANTED it! Why wouldn't she eat it? WHY??!?!?! *screams hysterically*

Kind of like the "post trip madness" drawing, but with more drool and screaming.

At any rate, the teddy bear bonfire threat was an empty one, because she already started the teddy bear torture without me:

Well, on to plan B, I guess.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

My child is a kleptomaniac

In our house, if anything goes missing, you can be pretty sure Layla took it. Now, there are times when she's completely innocent, and the alleged item has just fell in between the couch cushions, or been carried off by a pack of hungry antelope. But for the most part, it's all Layla's fault.

Her most favorite things to do in all the world is to play with random household shit. She has TONS of toys. She has a lifesize Rapunzel doll. She has big legos, she has barbies, hot wheels, elmo, coloring books, and the list goes on. But instead of playing with her plethora of wonderous toys, she instead plays with old TV remotes, or bread ties, or empty pill bottles. It astounds me, but I never expected her to be normal.

For example, here is what she packed into her bag:

I can only assume that these items hold SOME importance for her. I mean, who wouldn't want to carry around a bunch of shredded cigarettes, and a straw? (Yes, I smoke. Bite me.)

So, when a crucial item goes missing, say...a Netflix DVD, or a tube of medicine, or a very important paper, or half the fucking house, my first thought is "Check Layla's room."

This is how the scenario plays out:

Awwww. Look at that innocent face. She couldn't POSSIBLY have stolen my shit! Yeah right. She'll steal your shit, spit on you, slap you, and tell you to fuck off. That's my girl!

After this Academy Award winning performance, I commence a search of her room.

After standing on my head, and baring my ass, I usually find the stolen item in the most unlikely place ever. Like in an oven mitt, filled with bread ties, being kept fresh in her toy refrigerator. Or in her underwear drawer along with a ball of string and a clothes pin.

We even had a block of CHEESE go missing once. I assumed that my fiance ate it. He assumed I ate it. But when it became clear that neither of us had consumed a cheese product, our gaze turned to Layla. Instead of denying that she took the alleged cheese, like usual, she led us into her room, pulled open the freezer part of her fake refrigerator, and presented us with the missing block of cheese. Ah. Well, at least she was keeping it fresh. Hell, it may even still be in there, reproducing little cheese minions that will eventually try to eat my daughter in her sleep. Good luck, cheese minions. She's a tricky one.

Monday, April 18, 2011

....and I'm back

Well everyone, I'm back way sooner than was planned. Why, you ask? Was Layla trying to set things on fire? Were YOU trying to set things on fire? Did the car spontaneously start losing parts on the way out of town? OMG, did you kill your child and you're now a fugitive from justice?

No, none of these. Granted, the 14-hour car ride was pretty interesting. And nervous-breakdown-inducing. And being jammed in the back of a two door car with a three year old who thinks poking mommy to wake her up every time she falls asleep just to amuse herself was pretty fucking hilarious. And let's not forget her constant insistence that she needed to pee, upon which we'd try to get her out of her car seat and she'd scream like we were trying to feed her to a pack of ravenous bears: "I already pee peeeeeeeeeeeedddd", and then screaming AGAIN that she had to fucking pee as soon as we got her all buckled in again. *twitch*

But none of that is why we're back early. I got REALLY sick. The third day we were there. I was puking up everything like the damn exorcist. I ran a fever off and on. My whole body felt like it was being beaten with a sockful of marbles. There's a reason for this, but it's way too depressing and not nearly as amusing as making fun of my child, and inundating you all with her various escapades. Just wait until I tell you about our experience of trying to get her to pee outside. Fun times.

I have a few entries planned. And I'm going to respond to all your comments, for which I love you long time. But for now, I'm still trying to get over being struck with the plague. I just wanted to let you all know I was back early, so you can rejoice or run screaming or cry or stab me in the face. Whichever you prefer. But for now, here's a pointless post to distract you. You're welcome.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Post-trip Madness

I'm pretty sure this is what I'm going to look like by the time I get back from PA.

Gibbering and mumbling something about a stapler, and setting things on fire. Good thing I packed nerve pills.

See you all in two weeks!

Don't leave me.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

You can't catch me!

Yesterday afternoon, as I took a break to check facebook, Layla thought it'd be fun to torment me. I drew an illustration so you could share in the fun. You're welcome.

This went on for about 10 minutes until I finally got tired of her making disgusting tongue noises in my ear and yelled at her to go do something else. I'm sure she couldn't think of an alternative activity, because tormenting me is one of her favorite things to do.

In other news:

I'll be leaving tomorrow night to go visit my relatives in PA. I'll be gone for about 2 weeks. I'll TRY to post SOMETHING while I'm gone, but there's no guarantee I'll be able to. So please, to all my new followers, don't give up on me. I shall return! :D And probably with lots of stories, because I'll be stuck in a tiny car with her for 14 hours as we drive to PA. If I don't hurl myself out of the moving car, you can be assured I'll return to make fun of my child once more.

And please, don't be afraid to comment. I promise I won't fling paper towels at you, or yell at you until you cry.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Expected vs Reality 3

Well, I know it's been a few days, but here I am! Today's milestone is potty training:


That last few days I've felt like ripping my hair out by the handfuls. She has spilled medicated powder all over the dining room and living room. She's constantly whined, so I feel like bludgeoning her into unconsciousness. And she will NOT take a fucking nap! I need a vacation. And a hysterectomy.

Friday, April 1, 2011

More filler

Look! I drew a crappy picture of Demon Layla! Hooray! I'm too lazy to put together an actual post. I'm sure all 5 of my followers will cry tears of disappointment.

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