I know you were worried. You WERE worried, right?

Hi! I'm not dead! *cheering ensues*

The reason for my long absence is twofold:

1. I'm poorer than shit and lost the internet at home. There's a reason why I'm poor, but if I start talking about that, I may have to go and murder something, set it on fire, and piss on its still smoking ashes. *ahem*

2. Life has been kicking the holy shit out of my ass. This is too depressing to talk about. Especially since this blog is all about teh funny. And stuff.

ANYWAY

Right now, I'm staying at my parental's house. So, I plan to make a post very soon. And it shall be awesome. (duh) And you'll laugh until you pee, shit, or spontaneously give birth. :D

Until then, I have absolutely no filler. I know I suck. You better love me anyway. OkGoodbye.

Lots of Filler

Hello. I am currently not at home. This means I don't have Photoshop to draw stupid pictures with. And MS Paint sucks a hairy ass. So, here's a few things to keep you occupied:

First, here is my dog, Gizmo, chasing the cursor:



Next, here are some old posts. You need to read them. Or I'll cut you.

Real Mom Dress Up. And then post them on the SASMA Facebook wall. I'm serious, man, I'll cut you. Or punch you in the taint. Whichever I'm in the mood for.

If Mom and Kid commercials told the truth 2.

Ah, Memories.

Are you reading this shit yet?

And one more:

This is why I have anger management issues. Also, I like ludicrously long titles.

My work here is done. You're welcome.

Demon Mouse, or A break from our regularly scheduled maternal angst

I know it's been a week since I last posted. I suck. But I was sick with bronchitis, and the copious amounts of albuterol I've been inhaling has killed a few million brain cells, and rendered me retarded.

And today, I don't bring you a woeful tale of motherhood, or a f-word riddled post about another Layla misadventure. In fact, this post has nothing to do with being a mother at all.

See, I have a mouse living in my bedroom walls. At least, that's what we ASSUME it is. For the past week, I have woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of chewing and scratching. In my sleep-deprived stupor, upon hearing this sound, my brain does not make the obvious and logical statement of: "Awww, a cute little mouse living in my walls. Hope it doesn't chew my shit up." It doesn't imagine an innocent little rodent, trying to free itself.




No, it immediately jumps to images of a demon mouse, fangs slathered in blood and the remains of its former victims, furiously trying to claw its way out of my wall so it can come and eat me alive.



I know it's not REALLY the Freddy Kruger of rodents living in my wall. But the fucking thing is so loud, my neurotic brain immediately imagines torture and death and maiming at the claws of a mutant mouse.

I'm perfectly stable, really.

So, my lovely and illustrious readers, I have a question for you. Would you like me to post MORE stories of random shit that goes on in my life/house/vagina (not really), or would you rather I stick to tales of Layla's destruction and other observations of cynical motherhood?

This certainly does not mean there will be no more posts making fun of my child. But having a random post everyone once in a while about something completely off-topic would be amusing, and my brain might cooperate more if I have a wider range of possible subjects. (That crack I smoked in the 90s is coming back to haunt me)

I'll most likely do whatever the fuck I want, no matter what you answer. But I may stop being an asshole long enough to consider your opinions. :D

**ETA: There shall be a part 2 to this story, because I totally forgot about what happened the other night. Ooooh! Suspenseful!

Oooh! Shiny! AGAIN (damn it)

So, blogger did maintenance last night. And now the last post I made about the new, sparkly banner was deleted. Thanks Blogger! (fucking assholes) So here's a brand new version of that post.

As you may have noticed, the blog has a new, sparkly banner! Yay! You should totally comment and tell me how awesome it is. Or how you're astounded by my creative abilities. Or how you want to have, like, 10,000,000 of my babies. Whatever. I'd like to customize other things on the blog, but my patience has run out for the day. To customize anything on blogger you have to give a pint of blood, sacrifice a virgin, chant for 20 minutes, and stand naked in a field covered in peanut butter under a full moon. Jesus.

Hopefully I'll have a new post to go under the new banner in a few days. My brain is currently not cooperating with me, and my artistic abilities have gone retarded. So, please be patient and don't start leaving me in droves. I promise there shall be a new post very soon.

And tell your motherfucking friends about my blog. I need more followers to feed my ego. :D

Evil Filler

This is the face of evil, folks.

I've got a post in the works, but my brain is currently not functioning at normal speed, so here's a little distraction. You're welcome.

Now I'm going to go duct tape my child and throw her in the closet. She has spent this ENTIRE day irritating the holy fuck out of me. On purpose. She has screamed, scratched my arm repeatedly, hit me repeatedly with the shitty computer chair that is right next to me at this very moment. She has squealed, called my name repeatedly, only to ask me the SAME FUCKING QUESTION 209832094820398 TIMES. From the BATHROOM. (Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY! MOMMY! *now screaming* MOMMY!!!!!! Me: WHAT?!?! Her: What you doin? AND repeat. *bangs head repeatedly into wall*) And of course, she's played the game of the previous entry. Getting completely shit-faced is looking pretty inviting right about now.